NOTE: THIS IS FOR TRUE HARDCORE BOND FANS ONLY. IF YOU ARE ONE OF THOSE GUYS WHO LIKE THIS NEW AGE BOURNE INSPIRED BOND BULLSHIT, THEN PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK. THAT ASIDE, I HAVE NOTHING PERSONALLY AGAINST BOURNE AND THINK HIS BOOKS ARE FANTASTIC (NEVER HAVE EVER SEEN ANOTHER BOOK BETTER WRITTEN THAN THE BOURNE SUPREMACY) BUT COME ON, HIS FILMS ARE SUBSTANDARD COMPARED TO HIS BOOKS BY ROBERT LUDLUM.

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A bit nostalgic to see the old Aston Martin, but nostalgia was taken a wee bit too far in the movie. On a completely different note, now u know what Bond does to all the gadgets he receives from Q branch.

After watching Quantum of Solace, I thought nothing worse could ever happen to the Bond Franchise. No wonder they took 4 years to make the next one, with all sorts of stupid news ranging from Freida Pinto as Bond girl to scrapping of the franchise doing the rounds in the interim. A movie where Bond goes out on a personal vendetta turning his back on Queen and Country, you must be kidding me. The basic premise of  Bond’s existence is his loyalty to Queen and Country. He embodies the true British trait of never complaining and putting up with everything. He fully understands his occupational hazards and knows that he will be given up and declared as an invalid person on capture or death. In Skyfall, this is shown as he confronts M on his resurrection and she tells him that he knew the rules all along. Such a person never takes on cases of personal vendetta, let alone disobey direct orders from the establishment. Compared to this, Jason Bourne of the movies is just a loose end, that the CIA fails to tie up and eventually comes back to bite them hard on their asses. That aside, after I thought Quantum of Solace was the worst and it cannot be more worse, I must say that Skyfall made a mockery of all my fears.

Skyfall started really well and promised a lot, till, well, when Javier Bardem showed up. Now now, Bond villains are these noble, gentlemanly, evil people with grand schemes of World domination or profit making and who normally do not bat an eyelid while showcasing their cruel and sinister style. Here, you have a villain with explicit homosexual tendencies, whose only purpose is to destroy M, not even the institution of M, but only the present lady who occupies the position. Never before has there been a villain with such low level ambitions. It would suffice to say, for all of Bardem’s brilliant acting, the character he portrays is a disgrace to all the Bond villains of the yore, esp. Scaramanga, Goldfinger and Blofeld. There were too many shades of Joker in the villain. I will not elaborate, but you will sense it nevertheless.

As far as the latter part of the movie is concerned, I have two words, HOME ALONE. Even if we assume that we understand the reason for Bond’s escape to Scotland, it was nothing but a bloody rerun of a more violent version of Home Alone series that was on display here. You do not just ask the director of American Beauty to direct a Bond movie( even though he directed Road to Perdition, which was an awesome movie). This movie would certainly cause the body of Ian Fleming to turn in his grave. The only good thing about the movie apart from the beginning part was the end part. As the end shows us, the future looks really bright, with Ralph Fiennes as M, one can’t really wait to see the return of the cold, non-emotional, macho, male chauvinistic, misogynist aka Commander James Bond of the yore, the protector of the realm of Queen’s own country.Image

Even before the movie was released here, I read an article in the Daily Mail of UK, that the movie was worthy of Oscars. I knew then and there, that something was wrong with Skyfall. A Bond movie worthy of Oscars, that too for Best Actor, what next, Osama bin Laden nominated for Noble Peace Prize. My hunches where correct. An emotional Bond revisiting his past to save the woman who is like a motherly figure to him. This is as far as Bond can be from his original avatar. Come on mate, all that this movie has showcased is against the basic nature and premise of Bond’s character. I am truly and really disappointed for Skyfall, and this would rest assured be the thought of any true original Bond fans. But for all those new age Nolan inspired, reality seeking, neo-Bond fans, Skyfall is the Bond movie they need, but not the one they deserve, cause they do not deserve Bond movies at all. If Bond movies of the yore were like Test matches, the present one was nothing but a 5 over sham affair, putting the whole institution of Bond to shame. After all, Bond is a character of Fictional nature and has his peculiar unbelievable qualities and, we have learn to accept him as the same British person with a stiff upper lip that he is, and not convert him to some bloody emotional affectionate Yank spy.

Bottomline: A nostalgic emotional film about a orphan’s deep love and affection for his mentor, who fulfills the role of a mother in his life, coupled with regressively developing technological implements, with major plot elements borrowed from the Dark Knight and Home Alone series(yeah, the same 1990′s one) with a tinge of exoticity. By the way, it is actually the latest film in the James Bond franchise.

Continuing on the lines of my last post on Darra Adam Khel, here is another example of the few relics of the past left for war fanatics and gun romantics like me……………….

It was a bright summer morning in 1946, when Captain Albert Lehmann of the Nazi Warren SS was languishing in a PoW camp in Germany. He was hearing horror stories about the judgement meted out to SS people in the Allied War Crimes Tribunal, for Holocaust-related crimes. He wanted to escape to avoid conviction by the Tribunal. What will he do? Sergeant John Baker was back at his village in Sussex, England, after Allied unit had been disbanded after the war. But, he found civilian life boring and found domestic duties painful. He yearned for the life in the military. What will he do? It was the 1990’s and Ian MacGuffin was a high-ranking member of the Provisional Irish Republican Army. The IRA was losing against the British Army and he wanted to escape from the British and start a new life. Where will he go? Mikhail Gorakhnov was a Imperialist Russian running away from the Communists in USSR. He was lucky to escape with his life and he had no chance of survival in outside Russia. What will he do?

For all such people who want to lead a new life, by burying their past and also those who just cannot imagine life without the sound of bullets whizzing past their ears, there is something called the French Foreign Legion. The French Foreign Legion is a military wing of the French Army, established way back in 1831. It was established in Algeria by the reigning French Monarch, who wanted to create a regiment for non-French people willing to serve France. What is so unique about the Legion is that it was exclusively created for foreigners willing to serve in the French Army. The percentage of French people in the Legion is just 24%, that too mostly officers. There are soldiers of over 140 nationalities, as specified in the official website of the Legion. Ever heard of a Nazi Germans, Imperialist Russians, former Mafia hitmen and former terrorists fighting as part the same regiment? Well, that is the French Foreign Legion for you. It is famed as a haven for cut-throats, murderers, runaways, war veterans and romantics alike.

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The Commanding Officer of the Legion. Notice the faces of the Legionnaires blurred out. Secrecy is paramount in the Legion

So, now, how do we join the Legion? Well, it is simple. All you have to do is reach the Legion’s recruitment centres spread around France, numbering about 12. There you handover all your identification documents which are scrutinised and put into a vault containing details of everyone serving in the Legion. The documents are almost never seen again. You are given a smock and put through the selection tests, which are a tad highly physically straining. Once, selected you are put through a training camp of a duration of 15 weeks. On completion of training, you are posted to one of the six Garrisons of the Legion, spread around the world. The posting is entirely depended on the branch you want to serve in. You can choose from Infantry, Engineer, Parachute, Cavalry and the Demi-Brigade Regiments. Every new entrant is expected to know the Legionnaire’s Code of Honour by heart. Each Legionnaire is paid a monthly salary of about £1000, apart from food and lodgings. Irrespective of marital status, people are enlisted as single, and are required to serve a minimum of 5 years. After enlistment, you are given a brand new FAMAS rifle and a white kepi or French cap, the enduring symbol of the soldiers of the Legion.

With the motto of ‘Honour and Fidelity’, The Legion at the present is a 7700- strong fighting force. Since, it has people from various backgrounds, the Legionnaires are drilled to impart a sense of camaraderie amongst them. It can be safely said that only the French Foreign Legion could unite the Nazis and the Britishers post WWII, just a few years after they were fighting against each other. The Legion even asks the agreement of any legionnaire as to whether he would like to serve in a military operation involving his country of origin.

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The Pioneer Regiment of the French Foreign Legion

The sight of the bearded men of the Legion’s Pioneers (Combat Engineering) Regiment, leading the Legion, marching with big axes on their shoulders, along the Champ du Elysees to the tune of Le Boudin on Bastille’s Day, is stunning and will cause all your hair to stand on its ends. The Legion is every romantic’s ultimate haven and every fugitive’s ultimate hide-out rolled into one, and there is nothing like it anywhere else in the World. The Legion is the enduring symbol of everything that truly represents man’s primal animal instincts, of that to fight and only fight, irrespective of the cause or duration. Viva la France and Viva la Legion. A tribute to the countless people who died just for the spirit of fighting.

P.S. It is high time the Battlefield and CoD franschises think of a character serving in the of the French Foreign Legion. It is just too cool a force to miss
.

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Are you one of those people who just could not stop playing first-person shooters? Does Call of Duty, Battlefield and Counter Strike mean life to you? Does your heart beat stop every time you breach a door in and shoot people in slow motion in CoD? Do you shout like hell every time you win a sniping duel in Counter strike? Are you one of those people who watch Hollywood war films like Black Hawk Down just to see what varieties of guns are being used? Is your deepest desire just to hold an AK-47 in your hand and fire a few rounds down the sight, or may be just a FN P90 submachine gun? Well, for all us gun-freaks, Darra Adam Khel is place to visit.

Darra Adam Khel is a town located in Khyber-Pakhtunkhwa province of Pakistan, located about 40km south of Peshawar, the closest city to Afghanistan Border. Remember, the Indian team played ODIs in Peshawar in 2004, and visited the Afghanistan border post too. So, Darra Adam Khel ain’t one of those places close to the Afghanistan border under Taliban control, cause it is well inside compared to Peshawar and Peshawar is firmly in control of the Pakistani Army, while the Taliban controlled ones are in the neighbouring province of Waziristan.

What is so special about Darra Adam Khel? You would have heard about Railway towns, Oil towns, Trade towns and even Army towns, but certainly not a Gun town. Well, Darra is a one of its kind place in the world. What is its main(actually, only) commercial activity? Making guns, guns and more guns. Yeah, you read it right.

Guns. Darra Adam Khel is a place where they make guns, starting from the late 19th century. It is not your average forested village, where one-shot country pistols and bombs are made for use by factionists and local thugs. In Darra, they make everything, ranging from small pen pistols to automatic rifles to anti-aircraft guns. They weapons are said to be of sufficient quality, matching upto 80% of the original weapon’s capability. Think of a place where they sell AK’s and M16 carbines like vegetables and provisions in the Central market. Well, that is Darra Adam Khel for you.

The guns are made by hand in small candle-lit shops, using techniques like lathe machining and shaping, which are taught to any first-year engineering student in India. I hope they had taught us Mechanical Workshop properly and I had paid some more concentration. God, it is cool. A Darra gunsmith can reverse-engineer any rifle given to him in about 10 days and makes templates. From then on it takes about 3 days to make each rifle. Rifles are tested by firing them in the air. I feel ashamed to consider myself an engineer. They put to shame all mechanical engineers. I really doubt whether we can even assemble a gearbox properly. These gunsmiths have the true spirit of engineering. Our professors have converted engineering to an imaginary science.

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Think of yourself walking along a stony, rock-filled road in between two dusty, rugged mountains, dressed in a Afghani coat with a loose kurta and baggy, loose pyjamas, sleeves rolled up and a turban on your head. You have slung an AK-74 on one shoulder and a Russian RPG on the other, as you limber along to your house after your hard day at work. That is the height of awesomeness. If you think having Mohawks and piercing your ears is cool, then, you are bordering on gay, I tell you. This is an average day in the life of the Afridis, who control the gun trade. Yes, Shahid Afridi is from this tribe( I really don’t understand why he chose to play cricket. Being a terrorist sound much more cooler). A gun to a Pashtun is like pickle to an Andhra guy, both can’t do without it.

About 400-700 guns are made everyday. This is much more than the requirements of the local tribals. So, where do these extra guns go? Well, everywhere, from the rugged mountains of Afghanistan, to the lush forests of Congo, to the drug cartels in Colombia, why maybe even to the Maoists in India.

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So, coming now to the aspect of security threat. Does Pakistan acknowledge the existence of this place? Yes. Can it do anything to stop it? No. The reason is not that of sympathy, cause the Pakistan army establishment consists of mostly Punjabis and they have no regards for these Pashto tribesmen. The reason is more of practicality. These tribesmen are very independent minded and would do anything for it. Moreover, the Army’s Frontier Corps, whose jurisdiction these areas come under, is the most undisciplined army you will ever find. If they fight on the Army’s side today, they fight on the tribesmen’s side the next day. So better let them keep their guns, and let us keep our buns, says the Pakistan Army. Thus, so extends an uneasy truce between the tribals and the Army.

So, can you just find a Jeep and drive across the Khyber pass, straight into Darra Adam Khel? Well, apparently you could do just that in the pre-9/11 era. But now, it is really difficult to do so. You have to get passes from the Home Office in Peshawar, which are almost never given. If you manage to get one and do go, you are allowed to test fire guns in the air for a small fee. If you do, manage to buy guns, then, your purchase is tipped off by the locals and your weapons are confiscated at the border checkpost. If some of you really want to get the guns home, then tell them you are an SRK fan and maybe, they may relent.

Well, this is all I can write as I am itching to get back to Soap, Price, Yuri and Ghost, firing down the foresight of an AK-74. Long live CoD and long live  Mikhail Kalashnikov, for creating a beast of a game and a beast of a rifle respectively. My life will never be same without you.

P.S.: Do really watch Michael Palin’s video on Darra Adam Khel on youtube.

Disclaimer: If you have an inkling of a doubt as to what i have said here might be false, uddance, bhuruda and the like, there is Google and there is the Internet, and this is where you will find the truth. 

CSK ku whistle podu, CSK ku raise ur hand…………….do whatever friggin’ thing you gotta da for it is the Chennai Super Kings, the most(only) awesome team in the IPL. The team with the most loyal and most informed fans, so loyal in their support, that they come of as almost hooligan-like. No one can surpass the knowledge of cricket that a Tamilian has. Only Rajnikanth merits more loyalty from us than our team, for well……he is Rajnikanth.

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Really, who else will you support………….

  1. Mumbai Indians: The Mumbai “Indians”..what do they think the rest of the country is full of….Pakistanis, Bangladeshis and Lankans, huh? And for all those giving me the Tendulkar crap….even MI does not win when the great man(it seems the poor lad is jinxed)  hits a century. If you don’t remember, see this.
  2. Royal Challengers Bangalore: A team that has got Vettori, Gayle , Dilshan, AB, Zaheer, Kohli and the great man Murali himself, but still end up losing……well you have lost your marbles if you are supporting them. They are the South Africans of the IPL……………yeah, you guessed it right…..CHOKERS!!! Yeah, choke on it you RCB guys.
  3. Deccan Chargers: A team playing so bad, that you pity them, cutting across all team lines. God help DC.
  4. Kolkata Knight Riders: It better stand for King Khan Rules, rather than Kolkata Knight Riders. Supporting KKR because you like SRK is like supporting Gaddafi just because you find his female bodyguards sexy.

If you expect me to write reasons for all the teams, you are bloody bonkers, cause there ain’t anything else to be said.

After everything that has been said, after all the IPL-related bickering and battling I have had in these last 5 years, with a large variety of people, there exists TWO, only TWO categories of people following IPL….those who support CSK and those who oppose CSK….there ain’t no middle-ground………..it all boils down to these two basic categories.

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A tribute to the only team that plays CRICKET in its original spirit….the Chennai Super Kings.

We may have lost the battle this time……….but we will win the war.

The defence rests.

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We will avenge.

P.S.: Post all your addressals, grievances, whinings, complaints as rests and rest assured, thay will not be MODERATED, cause even if you post a photo of Sunny Leone stark-naked running with a KXIP flag in her hand, on the cricket pitch, I will won’t change my allegiance, even though I would be tempted to. 

Aside  —  Posted: May 18, 2012 in Cricket
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1.Thou shalt not update your mood as status in such a way as to prompt people to ask the reason for the same.

2.Thou shalt not enquire the reason for statuses in 1.

3.Thou shalt not post regarding mother week, father week, bloody grandmother week or any other Godforsaken week. 0

4.Thou shalt not post anything containing the word KOLAVERI.

5.Thou shalt not post anything comparing boys and girls in a common situation, usually ending with boys/girls rock,etc. Wake up ye morons, ye ain’t a bloody child.

6.Thou shalt not post anything regarding Mood Indigo or Techfest related bullshit. Such posts of one person ends up being liked by others, who have already posted the same. Who in fucking hell wants to listen to your stupid garage bands and singing grandfathers with fancy names.

7.Thou shalt not make any stupid Rajnikant jokes, especially saying mind it at any fucking place you find something extraordinary. 8.Thou shalt not post any fucking optical illusions, period.

9.Thou shalt not post photos where the faces have been replaced by the following faces: Northies- ACP Pradyuman Gultis- Brahmanandam Tamilians-Vijaykanth

10.Thou shalt not read any freaking big status or notes, especially like this one. Fuck ye if ye read this, and let this be yer last.

 

Follow these and make Facebook a better place for everyone.

Me mates, here at IITB, asked me to write a bloody awful poetry, in honour of William Wordsworth(for whatever his words were worth). Here it is, for all those ‘straight’ people still here in IITB.

Freaking genius, you are, people say

clearing JEE is not child’s play.

What do ye all know, if I may

cause fucking blimey, IITB’s gay.

Almost 700 are fags, the “Saathis” say

there is a good chance your roomie also may.

I asked my fellow IITians, what do you say

and they say, lets all be happy and gay.

So, as Bruce Willis’ll say

Yipeee kay yay

Motherfucker, fuck off or you’ll pay.

Cause Bullet Tooth Tony is on your way

if he hears that ye was gay.

Sir, Loondry

Posted: August 3, 2011 in Movie Review, Rants
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The Thieving Bastards

Delhi Belly is a kind of an indigestion problem occurring, to foreigners mainly, due to the unfamiliarity with Indian food, resulting in lack of motion control.

Similarly, the director has taken three huge helpings from Snatch, Lock,Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (both masterpieces of me revered boss, Guy Ritchie) and American Pie( ye know, for all these cheap sex jokes, ye Indian teens go gaga for) and have made an indigestible mix, which not only tastes bad, but threatens to make your arse go off like an AK47, spewing shit all over the place.

A confused hero trio, an heroine who looks so macho, that one cannot be faulted for thinking that she(or he), might be a cross-dressing arse bandit(means homosexual- for the information of  all ye bloody Yank-loving buggers) and a villain who tries to be convincing and just to his role, buts ends up making us laugh(yes, he really did made me laugh) in his efforts to portray the virtues of villainy.Cheap orgasm jokes and misplaced toilet humour, makes ye think ye just stumbled onto a group of 12-year olds just chatting away.All these makes me think, maybe all this was making an effort at a parody to me boss’s movies, even then a very bad one at that.

A Warning: To one, Mr.Aamir Khan, ye are on me hit-list boyyo, for copying elements, from me boss’s movies and adapting them so bad that, that even an one-eyed rabies-infected dog(or dags- for pikeys) might have done a better job.

What will happen……….